Kat, I really like your take on forgiveness. I’ve had to learn something similar about it. My definition is that forgiveness is simply not requiring that damages be repaid. It’s kind of like if a roommate skipped town on me and left me with hundreds of dollars in bills. Forgiving that debt simply means I no longer require it be repaid — that I suffer the consequences.

The other thing I’ve had to learn is that forgiveness does not require reconciliation. I don’t have to let the deadbeat roommate move back in. It is okay to insist that trust be somehow rebuilt first.

I am in a situation with my ex where there was a lot of crap to forgive from the marriage and divorce, and ongoing crap to forgive as it looks from here anyway that she continues to behave toward me out of her anger. I don’t like it one bit; it causes me considerable anxiety. Frankly, sometimes she does in the present tears open some anger about the past, as it’s the same kind of nonsense I dealt with back then. This is not easy. I’m still working out how to manage it so I don’t react in ways that make the situation worse.

I wrote about forgiveness too, some time ago:

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